Ann
Ipock
Humorist,
author, speaker
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Georgetown
Times
Sleep tight, but
beware, bed bugs may bite
By Ann Ipock December
28, 2005
I’ve got some disturbing news for Martha Stewart, Rachel Ashwell,
Katie Brown and all the other domestic divas. These designers have steered
us — heck, they’ve practically brain-washed us — into
buying used furniture and junk.
Oh, sure, these mavens conveniently smooth over the stale term “used”
with hip terms like vintage, antique, and shabby-chic. But the truth is,
the items are still used. And they’re used not only by the previous
owners; but quite possibly, by the present owners: That being, BEDBUGS!
Go ahead and say, “What, are you crazy? There’s no such thing
as bedbugs.” That’s exactly what I said when I read the article
in USA Today.
I thought the word "bedbugs" was simply invented for that old
rhyme, “Good night. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.”
Wrong! Just like chiggers, mites and lice, not only are bedbugs real,
they’re a real pain. They’re invading our homes, hotels and
haciendas in alarming numbers.
It turns out these welt-producing bloodsuckers were nearly eradicated
60 years ago; but just like Lesley Ann Warren trying to make a comeback
on “Desperate Housewives,” they’re here to stay. Dang
it! Maybe bedbugs will have better luck than Lesley — bless her
heart. If she weren't so ditzy, immature and pathetic, I swear I would
like her. Really, I would.
What’s even worse about these varmints is they only come out at
night, which is terribly inconvenient and annoying, since, well —
most humans SLEEP at night. The bugs are so tiny they even can crawl through
a stitch-hole in a mattress. I don’t know about you, but as soon
as I read that part, I went and checked out my mattress, which I never
knew had stitch holes. Turns out it does, so I guess I’m not immune
either.
Now, don’t be too quick to say, “Phew! At least they’re
not here in South Carolina.” Au contraire. Yes, right here in the
Palmetto State! And why not? They’ve got plenty of company with
all the other menacing insects our state is known for — mosquitoes,
no-seeums, fruit flies, ticks and fire ants.
In fact, there are only seven states that have not had bedbugs reported
and they are: Idaho, New Hampshire, Rhode Island, Wyoming, Alaska and
North and South Dakota. Here’s an idea: The next time your annoying
in-laws, ex-business partners or braggart friends call to come visit you
for a week at the beach, you might want to point out this unknown but
thought-provoking fact.
And here’s some info for you spotless housekeepers who make us sloppy
domestics feel inept. (What’s the harm in a little ring around my
bathtub or fingerprints on the refrigerator from my 4-year old granddaughter?
The good news/bad news — depending on how you look at it —
is that cleanliness is indeed next to Godliness. However, this fact has
nothing to do with bedbugs.
Case in point: Bedbugs have even turned up at The Helmsley Park Lane Hotel
in New York, where a one-bedroom suite runs $950 per night. Funny thing
is, it can cost about that much ($1,000) to completely eradicate an infestation
of bedbugs once their presence is confirmed. That’s because the
treatment can require pesticides, powerful vacuums and sealing mattresses
with impervious covers. Eek! This is starting to sound like a horror movie.
Thankfully, these bugs don’t spread disease. But all things equal:
How is that going to console someone who gets a case of the “bedbugs?”
In fact, Richard Pollack with the Harvard School of Public Health puts
it this way, “If you wake up at 2 a.m. and something’s sucking
on your ankle, that’s a pretty good sign.” Honey, if I wake
up at 2 a.m. and something is sucking on my ankle, he’d better be
tall, dark and handsome! Well, two out of three aren’t bad, which
describes Russell, my husband. (No one’s perfect, right?)
So, the point is (and I do have one) is that bedbugs are here to stay.
Besides the used furniture and bed linens route, they also fly around
the world embedded in folk’s luggage and travel bags. Wouldn’t
you just know it? It’s been a little over a year since I lost my
“fear of flying” phobia and took to the skies bravely! I’ve
flown more in this last year than all of my previous years combined —
tuning out the scary thoughts of bad weather, pilot error or missed connections.
But now I’ve got a new bugaboo (no pun intended) to deal with: bedbugs!
Well, don’t be surprised in the future if a popular TV network talks
about the hazards, rather than the benefits, of decorating with OPFJ (other
people’s furniture and junk). Instead of being HGTV, The Learning
Channel or Style Network, it might just be the Discovery Channel doing
a documentary on “The Bedbug.” But have no fear — if
Martha gets hold of this, she’ll probably figure out a way to recycle,
reuse and refresh with the hard shell left behind; thereby replacing the
goose down pillow with the bedbug pillow.