Ann
Ipock
Humorist,
author, speaker
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Georgetown
Times
Life’s
unpredictable gains and losses
By Ann Ipock May
31, 2006
A good friend of mine, whom I’ll call Molly, is having lap band
surgery next month. This will reduce her total body weight by 70 percent.
Isn’t that amazing? Seventy percent!
Though the surgery itself is quite serious, she’s had me in stitches
— no pun intended — in her usual jovial way, describing the
steps involved with this life-changing decision. With her permission,
I’d like to share some of these.
After being referred to the surgeon by her general practitioner, Molly
had to take a psychological test, with said results indicating her acceptance
or denial into the program. She’d already passed the physical criteria,
taking age, height and weight into consideration. I suppose the psych
test would show if she was ready emotionally.
At any rate, I’ll share a few random questions out of a total of
567 that Molly quoted to me. “Do you want to be a florist? Do you
hear voices? Do you follow politics? Do you like to talk about sex? Do
you want to be in law enforcement? Do you believe in ghosts? Do you cross
the street to avoid people?”
Y’all, Molly has this dry but hilarious sense of humor and I loved
it when she told me (in reference to the last question): “Dang,
if it’s the mayor for sure! [I cross the street.] Either his hand
is out or I’m about to head another committee.” Isn’t
that great? But don’t worry, my friend lives out of state, so she
wasn’t referring to anyone in South Carolina.
Molly said she couldn’t figure out what these questions (and many
others) had to do with weight loss.
You’ve got me, I told her — I’m stumped too. We also
wondered if certain answers would disqualify a person from having surgery
and more importantly, why?
Funny thing is she told me the psychologist who administered the test
said she was one of the most well-adjusted people he’d ever tested
prior to weight loss surgery. Molly confided in me that it only appeared
that way because she knows HOW to answer the questions, since her schizophrenic
relative had shown her. Don’t you love this gal’s wicked sense
of humor?
Further e-mail from Molly cracked me up. She said one morning she woke
up with a migraine from worrying so much about the darned test. She ended
up wearing sunglasses the first two hours of the ordeal and then her Excedrin
kicked in. When the admissions counselor interviewed her later and started
asking Molly questions that she had JUST written down, Molly snapped at
her, “Don’t you have the paper in front of you?” Then
she quickly removed her sunglasses and said sweetly, “You’ll
have to excuse me. I have a migraine and very little patience.”
Molly’s sister reminded her as they left admissions that the mental
ward was upstairs and they were probably preparing a padded cell for her
at that very moment. Molly slipped her shades back on and in a very tough
Angelina Jolie-sort of way said, “Bring it on!”
Molly says she has shrunk two inches in height since all of this testing
began. At least, that’s what the hospital records show. That of
course, has caused her BMI (body/mass index) to go higher, which in turn
will delay the surgery since the index won’t be acceptable. Did
I hear you say, “That’s crazy!”? Well, it sure is. Molly
swears it’s an insurance scam.
Many changes have already occurred in Molly’s life due to this upcoming
medical miracle, and some of them, not a choice she would have made voluntarily.
For one thing, she can’t drink alcohol. That’s tough for someone
who is quite the entertainer. Her wet bar is always well-stocked with
an extensive collection of imported Irish whiskeys, poteen and liquors
for her A-list partygoers. And she is BIG on holidays, especially St.
Patrick’s Day. Need I say more? She says the parties WILL continue,
just without her partaking.
Also, Molly can’t overeat. It just won’t happen because a
pouch is created at the top of the stomach to prevent that.
The doctors will tighten or loosen it from time to time with fluid inserted
through a tube. She says in theory she could loosen it enough to recreate
the old stomach during the holidays, then go back in later on to prepare
for a new diet. Of course, the doctors don’t think this is very
funny.
But I think Molly is a hoot! And I admire her and anyone else who wants
to improve their health and well being.
With her attitude, spunk and humor, I’d say the medical team she
is working with is the lucky ones. Good luck, Molly, I’ll have my
prayer chain going strong for you! And best of all — thanks to the
miracle of modern medicine — we’ll have you around for many
years to come so you can keep us laughing at life’s absurdities,
with all of its glorious and unpredictable gains AND losses.