Ann Ipock
             Humorist, author, speaker

 

 
Columns
  


Georgetown Times

Lobsters, collards — the poor things

By Ann Ipock                                                  March 23, 2005

I heard an expression the other day that’s rarely said any more: “The Poor Thing.” It’s loosely the equivalent of the Southern adage, “Bless Her Heart.”
But “The Poor Thing” carries a heavier weight. It implies pity, sympathy, — and heaven forbid — sometimes, even jealousy. It’s true that pious Southern women don’t like to admit to the sins of envying, coveting and jealousy — but heck, Southern women don’t like to admit to any sins.
However, like Aunt Bee on “The Andy Griffith Show” who once made a mistake by opening a Chinese restaurant, we aren’t perfect either.
In order to fully understand the expression “The Poor Thing” we need to know a little background information: Like, when women are gossiping in the beauty parlor — which is the third most popular activity there — right behind getting your roots tipped and your mustache dipped: One woman says, “Wanda, The Poor Thing, she must feel foolish driving that gas-guzzling Monster truck while her husband, Ned, is in the Big House.”

See? In this case, “The Poor Thing” probably means pity. Then again, it depends on how big these ladies wear their hair and how many teeth are in their head (AND if they’re using toothpicks while they talk — a dastardly deed for real Southern women). These do-no-gooders could definitely be feeling jealous. (I once read that women wear big hair because they believe it makes them reach closer to heaven. I don’t believe it though. I think it’s because it makes their bee-hinds seem smaller, in comparison.)
Suddenly the expression “The Poor Thing” is popping up everywhere — but it’s nothing new. I heard it often when I was a mere child, some 20-30-40 years ago — you can choose which. As in, “Little Lucy is as buck-toothed as Bugs Bunny, The Poor Thing.
I heard it when I was in a restaurant recently. Two older ladies were talking about a young woman’s upcoming wedding. Both of the ladies were what you’d call “hoity toity” — not to be confused with “hoi polloi.” They were dressed impeccably, sitting ramrod straight with their white linen napkins spread across their lap. Both were drinking white wine and one was dining on Lobster Thermidore (talk about A Poor Thing).

I’ve read recently where “lobsters have feelings too.” There’s lots of juicy dishing (no pun intended) going on about this subject in the news. It’s particularly sad to me because I’ve always maintained if — and — when I ever get rich, I’ll dine on lobster every day; but darned if PETA (People for Ethical Treatment of Animals) isn’t about to take the joy out of even that. You just can’t have any fun anymore!
There’s a big debate going on about whether lobsters feel pain when being cooked. A published report last month highlighted scientists from Norway that studied lobsters, crabs and live worms, all invertebrates (animals without backbones — similar to Howard Stern). They concluded “none of these feels a thing.”
Y’all, I already knew that about Howard. But I still wonder how they knew it about lobsters. Maybe they’re teaching lobsters sign language just like they do with chimpanzees. “Wave one claw if this hurts and wave two if you’re feeling no pain.” Come on — how exactly do they know this?

In the same study, Wenche Farstad of the Norwegian School of Veterinary Science in Oslo reiterated that lobsters “are not capable of hurting.” Which is to say, that Mike Loughlin of the University of Maine was right all along when he pronounced, “It’s a semantic thing: No brain, no pain.” I am absolutely positive that this study had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that lobstering is the predominant industry in Maine.
Anyway, the PETA folks aren’t buying it. They maintain that lobsters do indeed feel pain. They counteracted with, “If we had to drop live pigs or chickens into scalding water, chances are that few of us would eat them.” Well, duh! I know I wouldn’t. There has got to be a point here, but I honestly don’t know what it is.
Well just so you know, be forewarned: The PETA folks have a whole Fish Empathy Project going on. We South Carolinians better hope they don’t march down here fishing around for support.
If anybody ever attempted to take away my shrimp, scallops and oysters, they would be the ones feeling pain! Don’t you think we might be carrying this whole food/nourishment pain thing too far? Next thing you know, we’ll be hearing about a “Save The Collards” group.
If we continue this charade far enough, we won’t have to worry about humans hurting lobsters or collards, because we’ll be extinct. The collards and lobsters will live on and on, however, free of our threat. The only way they’d die would be of old age — not being boiled in a pot of water. Give me a break!

I don’t think the ladies in the restaurant that day were concerned about lobster’s pain. Instead, they were worried about the afore-mentioned bride-to-be. One lady said the girl was indeed bright; but that was about all she had going for her. She continued, “With a face like that, I never thought she’d find a man, The Poor Thing!” Her friend nodded in complete agreement, then stabbed a raw oyster in the shell. I wonder if the oyster felt any pain? The Poor Thing.


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