Ann Ipock
            Humorist, author, speaker

Georgetown Times

Thinking to avoid exercise

By Ann Ipock                                                         January 22, 2008         

“You think too much!” Dearly Beloved Russell said to me the other day. I argued with him (imagine that). “I do not think too much! You might think I think too much but I do not think too much.” And on and on it went. The above discussion followed a conversation of how we were going to begin our New Year’s resolutions — losing weight and toning up at the top of the list. Of course, he is already ahead by 100 points or so since he actually began working out at the gym the day after we joined in late November. I, on the other hand, also worked out. Once. But like a whining child, I say, “I’d rather be outside walking. All that stuffy air inside a crowded building and those menacing metal machines just turn me off — all &**@!^%#$ pounds of my overweight self — to be perfectly blunt. I reasoned it out, saying that I think if God had wanted women to have smaller hips, he’d have let men get pregnant. Then I told him that even though we are saving a bucket load of money compared to our last gym membership, walking outside is absolutely free. I also pointed out the inconvenience of the timing (if I go with him).

See, that’s how this whole thing started. He assumed that since we joined together we would be going together — kind of like the buddy system. But his schedule is in direct conflict with mine. He either goes at 5:30 in the morning (I am not making this up) or at 5:30 at night. Well, y’all know what I’m doing at 5:30 in the morning. Duh — sleeping. And at 5:30 at night, I’m cooking supper (maybe), or at least poring over cookbooks or watching The Food Network. I love to live life vicariously. Or, better still, like the quote says, “making the thing I do best: dinner reservations.” And even though we aren’t spending time at the gym together, we are spending time having dinner together. So at least we’re connecting then. What am I to do? And not to complicate things, but I recently had a third choice to this where/when/how exercise dilemma.

During Christmas my niece, Jean, a registered dietician with a perfectly toned body, was demonstrating her workout using the “CRUNCH Fat-Burning Pilates” DVD. She made it look so easy that I almost believed it was. But with a name like “CRUNCH,” you’ve gotta wonder if you’re going to get pummeled to death. Anyway, Nancy, my sister — who’s in darned good shape — tried it. There they were in the game room of this three-story cottage we’d rented at the beach for our annual Christmas Morris Reunion. They were sweating and panting (Nancy) and smiling and pilatying (Jean). I told them I’d sit and watch from the “safe” distance of the couch because the room was too small. You do believe me, right? Unbeknownst to me, Katie, our daughter, came home and ordered the same exact DVD and worked out right away. She made it all the way through, but said she was a little sore the next day.

Katie’s also in great shape since she walks and runs around the big lake near her apartment in Baton Rouge where she’s attending grad school. She left the DVD here, so I picked it up one day when no one was watching and attempted the movements. Well, Ms. Ellen Barrett, instructor at CRUNCH Los Angeles, you nearly killed me. Even though I followed that young, sculpted thing who was supposed to be modifying the exercises — yeah, right — I think I did one too many leg circles, a few too many arm extensions and definitely too many floor contortionist positions. I kept hearing something about “core” and all I could think about was an apple strudel with that that fabulous icing (let’s get real here). I heard her say something about “sculpt” and I immediately remembered our last cruise with the ice sculpture, which conjured up memories of the glorious midnight buffet. And when I heard “burn” fat, I thought of Flaming Cherries Jubilee. So I guess that’s not the method I need to follow, either. Oh, why does it all have to be so complicated? Well, today it’s way too cold to walk outside. And the DVD is a no-go. However, Russell’s off work today (Martin Luther King holiday) and he’s asked me if I’m going to the gym with him. He says he’s free all day. I can even choose the time. Since he says I think too much, I tried that — but couldn’t come up with a good enough excuse. Ah, heck. I think I’ll totally surprise him and just say, “Yes.” He probably won’t even believe it.

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